Come what may and live it. My life was so completely opposite of what I had thought it would be when I first said those words. It was so extremely opposite of where I thought I would be that I was very secure in just admitting, "Yep... This is where I am at now." It was something I did almost with a laugh, because I'm sure from the outside looking in, it might have seem like it was in shambles. I had a brand new baby, two little girls, had just moved across the country to move back in with my parents and go back to school as my 30th birthday loomed around the corner. But I was secure in who and what I was. I knew it was crazy but I knew God was there, taking care of me and guiding me through the wreckage. Then I started to get my feet under me. I stopped needing help at every turn, I started standing again on my own. My life took its new direction and I started finding the confidence in that independence. I began thinking my own thoughts, finding my own ground and slowly coming to be comfortable in my new identity. And there was a lot of happiness in that. The fear started fading away and strength came in it's place. And I was happy. A kind of happy that I don't think I had ever felt. My life was my own and there was so much good in it. I had been blessed with amazing people around me, I found joy in my kids and our life as a new different kind of family, my faith continued to grow and I realized that it was okay to finally really enjoy my life. And not in a next year will be good kind of way, or a when such and such is different I will feel better kind of thing. It was good right now and I didn't need anything else to feel that way. There was still lots of things that weren't going my way. some days it seemed like everything wasn't going my way. But it wasn't a fleeting joy I had found, it was a happy that was based on things that never fade, I had a found a security in my life of turmoil and I was enjoying that.
   And then something affected me. And I felt that nudge again. I know God is directing my life in the way it should go because I am doing everything I can to allow Him to do that. I have gotten really good at doing things that feel right in my life. I try to do things for the right reasons too, and sometimes that can change, from day to day even, and that's ok. And sometimes I stumbled in being comfortable with that. I had a long conversation with my much wiser, younger sister when I told her that I still felt deep down that I still believed the voice that had told me for so long that I wasn't worth the time. I was lucky to have someone tolerate me in a marriage, that I really was as small as he wanted me to be. I still dismissed my value as a person worthy of something good. And she told me that made her more mad at him than anything else had. She told me if she could scream the opposite into my head she would. Then she hit me with the question that shows how amazing of a woman she is and asked, Have you prayed to not feel this way? I will pray for you to not feel like that. And I sunk. Because she was so right. I hadn't prayed. I had held onto that battered and bruised and beaten part of my heart and guarded it with all the fierceness I had left inside. Not on purpose, not even knowing I was doing it, but I had.
    So I prayed. Again, And then again, and then a few more times. And I finally started to believe it. Because happiness isn't and ending, it was already here. The timeline we like to put on things doesn't really exist. Because our lives don't stop and start with singular events. Things don't really begin on anniversaries or dates on a calendar. Those are just days when the time is right for the stars to align. And God can finally show what he has been getting ready for you while you had no idea. He is aware of us. He takes care of us. He loves us and wants to bless us with things we cannot even imagine might be possible. Happiness is available and I no longer want to stand in the way of mine.