hypocrisy makes me crazy. I figure if you want people to believe something about you then you act that way. No need to talk about it all the time, no need to write about it on Facebook or say things from a microphone to a room full of people. Because let's be honest, we aren't that dumb, we can tell when things are what they seem or if someone is quite what they profess. But yet it still makes my skin crawl when someone says something and then acts in total opposition of that. Today should have been my ninth wedding anniversary. I had dreaded this day for awhile because it was a day that was something that will always be his and mine, a day that was picked on the calendar (we were at a fireside at the conference center) and then talked about endlessly and anticipated with so much excitement. I can tell you almost of every detail of how we celebrated this day for the past eight years, the first that he so carefully planned, the second, fourth and eighth that I spent pregnant, the fifth that was miserable and I found out why two weeks later when we first separated  and all the others that no matter what were marked as a passage of time that only we exclusively shared. Our wedding day was beautiful, all the fighting in the planning was forgotten and for the most part the ex in-laws were held at bay, and the day was just a day that we got to be happy. I wanted to hug everyone, I was that happy. I thought this was the day the rest of forever would start. I had waited for him for what seemed like so long and we could finally start what I was so excited for. I still remember our first weekend together, we just stayed in Salt Lake but it was such a wonderful time. We had a really nice dinner out (the most expensive I had and still ever have had) and I remember his wedding ring catching the light and I was so happy that he was my husband. It was the best feeling, at the time I didn't think we would ever need anything more than we had in that very moment. I am so glad we didn't know what the future would hold. I can't bear to think about myself as that girl and to know all the heartache that would come. I knew marriage would not be easy and I knew that we would have challenges but I guess I had been protected from the real world. I didn't know how mean people could be, I had no idea how bad it could get. There were so many dreams wrapped up in that day and I still mourn the loss of what I think should have been. Some days I am still bitter that promises weren't kept and bad feelings and rotten experiences came at the hand of someone who was supposed to love me and take care of me. But really those thoughts are just bitterness and dwelling on them only creates sadness so I take solace in the fact that I am who I am because of my life and that is something I have earned and it can't be taken away from me. A cute friend passed on a quick screen shot of something my x had shared today, maybe she thought it was sweet but in reality it felt like salt in a wound, because if you claim to be grateful for something then you should act like it. Don't treat the things you value terribly and then be surprised when you can't keep them forever. I knew today would be a fight, he was mean and controlling when I was married to him, I don't know why I keep expecting him to change now that I'm not. My daughters teacher called to ask that I come pick up the cookie dough they ordered for a fundraiser, it was all over the classroom and the boxes were to big for the kids to try and carry out themselves, so I did. He had taken the order form and I hadn't heard about it until the last day when I hurried and told him that I had some orders I would like added. I was grateful he had sold some too, B was thrilled she had a few orders but I didn't grab it from the freezer when he first picked up the younger girls. I have a class I have to leave immediately for so I figured we could exchange it later that evening but he called within a few minutes and screamed at me that he had to have the cookie dough that minute because he had people waiting for that cookie dough (really? is someone going to die from lack of dough) . He yelled that he didn't even know why I would have picked up the cookie dough in the first place. I hung up, stopped what I was doing and put his orders on the front porch. I couldn't believe we were screaming at each other over this today. I wanted today to be different. I wanted to remember the reasons we loved each other before and maybe even for just a second allow myself to feel sad that that was gone, and not feel guilty about it. I maybe even wanted to really see him again, for just a second be able to remember him the way it used to be but maybe that was never really the way it was. Maybe he was always this guy and I just didn't see it. But I prefer to think that he wasn't always like this, he used to say things and mean them, he used to be more happy with himself, that I wasn't just too dumb to not see through it. Today I will tell myself that, and even if it's just for the last hour of November 7th, I will believe it.

Louisville was the first of a few major cities we had to navigate through on our way to Utah. In order to get past it you have to use a bridge and last January that bridge was closed. And so was the bridge we were supposed to detour on. We were only an hour into what already was a totally overwhelming trip and we were lost. We followed the signs and somehow we wound a big circle around the city and ended up right where we started, so we tried again and still couldn't get anywhere. The gps was no help and I was completely turned around and lost by the time we started making our way around again. I never liked Louisville, out of all the cities we had been in, all the slums we had been through I was always the most uncomfortable there. It seemed like a mean, dirty city and I did not want to have to drive through the heart of it that morning. But we knew the way we were going wasn't working so we got off the exit and tried to wind our way through town. We followed a construction truck and at the third stop sign he got out of his truck and ran back to the van. A little cautiously I unrolled it, and he kindly asked if we were lost. He explained the way we needed to go and then told us to follow him he would get us as far as he could, and when we past the exit he waved us on our way. Too bad we didn't quite get the directions and some how ended up turned around and lost again. By this point I was panicked that we were absolutely never going to get out of this city, we had at least three days of driving before us and we were all already tired and hungry. We wound our way through some one way streets and u-turns and my mom thought we should pull over. I was very nervous, we were not in a good part of town but we didn't have any other options so I pulled into the parking lot of a White Castle. There were some cop cars around so I quietly hoped things would be okay. I had to nurse the baby so my mom took the other girls in. My mom isn't scared of much, I think she sincerely sees the good in people and so she doesn't really judge what might be negative, she figures she would help someone so most people would be willing to do the same. She told me she hadn't felt the same nervous about the area as I had and she is so sensitive to the spirit had I known that I wouldn't have worried at all. She asked someone at the counter and as they tried to give her directions another man overheard her from his table and got up to talk with her. He explained exactly where we needed to go, down to the direction we should go when we left the parking lot. He took the time to write down everything for us and then said he would point it out to her since he was about to walk home. She told him that I was feeding the baby and we probably wouldn't be ready to go for a little and thanked him for all his help. She came out to the car and told me she had gotten help and we were so relieved that he took the time to write it down so we wouldn't get mixed up again. It took about 20 minutes to get everyone settled and we drove around back we saw the man from the restaurant standing on the corner patiently waiting for us to come. We rolled down the window and he explained that he just wouldn't have been able to go home because he would have worried about us until he knew we were headed the right direction. I couldn't believe that standing on this yucky street corner, in an old wool cap and dirty sweats stood an angel helping us on a little further. This man didn't know where we came from or where we going, but I believe because he had Jesus is his heart he knew someone had a need and he was there to help. What a blessing and what a lesson in the power that one person can have on another. We can be such a help to those around us and what a good man to wait patiently on that sidewalk just because he cared enough to worry about some strangers he met in a burger joint. I wish I could thank him again for being there, maybe one day I will, I don't think I will ever forget his face. He probably doesn't share my religion but he exemplified what it meant to be a Christian that morning, and some days all that a person can get is that help through another. Be that other person, keep Christ in your countenance so others can be edified through that, be that light to the world that others need you to be, you may never know just what a blessing you have the potential to be!

once in awhile someone will ask about something, or a memory will come back and I have to stop and think about last January. Sometimes we even talk about the miracle it was that we made it to Utah in one piece, sometimes we laugh about it and think did that really happen? I checked B out of school early one day. The secretary at the school asked me if I was okay. I had explained a little bit over the phone and when she saw my face she wanted to make sure I wasn't in danger. To be honest I wasn't sure. I was terrified, I had a lock box filled with some papers in the car and a bag of a few essentials. B's teacher walked her to the office, she was hoping to get a peek at the new baby and my heart broke when I saw her. I couldn't tell her that we were leaving, I couldn't stand the thought of taking B out of her class, it was such a wonderful place, full of kids who loved it and I just couldn't bring myself to say it out loud. We went to McDonalds for lunch and I told him that I didn't want him to be at the house while we packed things up. I was scared that we wouldn't be safe in the house but I needed some time to get a few things together. My mom and I thought we would have to have the house packed before we left so we tried to get a truck, find boxes and figure out how we could even do it all. I sold furniture, packed and we tried to take care of a 2 week old. He wanted to meet with the bishop so we did. It was something we had done so many times before and I was honest when I told both of them I was done. I could not do this again, I was too tired of it. I don't think he knew what he was coming up against as he met with us that night but I will always be grateful for his words of support and wisdom. I had never experienced that before but I knew the bishop was given the grace to see my soul that night, he understood what I was saying and also many things that I didn't say. I am grateful for good men who allow God to work though them in order to bless my life. I called a friend on the way home and told her what was going on, her husband was at the house within an hour and also offered some more inspired words of kindness and comfort. The next few days were a whirlwind of all the things we had to get done. K's dad had offered to bring the moving truck so we didn't have to. It was a relief to not have to do that but I didn't realize that meant he would take the truck to his house first and unload everything he wanted or could sell. I am always amazed at how much work my mom can do, she accomplishes more in an hour than most do in a day and she worked tirelessly. My mind was such a fog and she was a superhero in helping with absolutely every little thing I needed. I had started to say good-bye to some people, it was so difficult that I didn't have the energy for it all. I had to return a baby swing to someone. I thought I was composed but her daughter caught what I was saying and asked if my girls were leaving too. It such a horribly wrenching moment and I lost it again. These people had been so good to me and I hated to think I was just leaving. But that last night I had two girls come visit. They helped me pack up my closet and made me laugh while I put the last few pieces of my life into boxes. These were girls who knew many of the things I had felt that year in Kentucky and they had been so good to me through it all. I needed to see them and I needed to have a few last minutes. It was a surprisingly happy few hours and I still find myself wishing I could be around them again. They told me I looked good, I seemed lighter and they loved on the new baby they had all been so excited to see. The next morning we were up early anxious to be done, my mom packed the van in the freezing cold as the sun came up and we drove out of Lexington. No fanfare, no drama. Just a right turn and the highway and we were on our way in our loaded little minivan.