"I decided last year 13 was going to be our lucky number, I knew this year [2012] would be rough and I thought if we could just get through it then we would work on the next one [2013] being great. Last week I lost my car keys, with my gym pass on it and have torn apart the house, including going through the trash in 2 big outside cans with no luck. A few days later I realized I threw away my temple reccomend that I had stuck in an old magazine, so I dumpster dived for the 2nd time this month again with no luck. Then this morning I got my van completely stuck in a snow bank. In front of my exes house. In high-heeled leather boots. Yay, independent woman... But I have a spare key, my bishopric got me a new reccomend, and Kevin smiled the entire time he and a neighbor pushed my car out and on its way. So while I am more than thrilled to slam the door shut on last year and quickly welcome in 2013, because I am pretty sure there is some room for improvement for me, I learned you can't throw away the most important things in life, spending some time wading through the crap makes you realize what you have, and even crow doesn't kill you when you have to eat it once in awhile. Bring on the next, "lucky 13" here we come!"
This was something I wrote the first week of this year. I had no idea what would actually be in store for me but I have to say that "lucky 13" has held true. It has been so much more than I would have ever thought was even possible. More trying, more busy, more crazy. And with all that has been more happiness, more joy, and more impossibles becoming possible than I would have ever imagined possible. Lucky seems like it's almost too shallow of a word to use to describe my life this past little while. Blessed fits better. 2013 was yummy, joyfully, abundantly blessed!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
teach your men to be men, so their women don't have to be..
I can open my own door. I carry my own bag. My dad taught me how to change my oil and my mom taught me that I am strong enough to do whatever needs to be done. It's not always a matter of what someone is capable of, but sometimes it should be about how much you can do to ease that for them.
We are still fighting about dollars. Because that is what drives some people. And I am totally dependent on it. And that gives people power. And that makes some people ugly. When you believe something is owed to you, or that you deserve something you have, it makes you blind to it. Where your treasure is there will your heart be also. And so we go back to court. And I explain why my children cannot live on less than the $300 they get each month. And I defend why even though I am capable of making wages, and have not fought his insistence on my imputed income of $1,700, that I simply could not do that while not putting my kids in daycare, and going to school full time. Because 10 years ago I made the choice to drop out of college. I enrolled in a trade tech and worked two jobs while I went because we were investing in the dream together. He was going to be a doctor, so it was okay for me to sacrifice a bit. We were investing in a future. I didn't mind the fake diamond in the ring, I was working towards something bigger. So I worked. I got a job and spent 16 hours some days working. And when a position opened up above me, that I wasn't qualified for, I was given it, because I was good at it, and I worked for it. Then the baby came and I thought my life was going to be different. But six months later, after yet another job loss, store don't like when their employees steal from them, I went back to work. We couldn't pay our bills yet again and the welfare was running thin. My mom took me grocery shopping so I could pack my lunch and loved my baby, and I went to work. Because that is what you do. And I got another call, this time the job loss was because of sexual harassment claims from a fellow employee. And then I got another job, one I again wasn't qualified for, but one that I did well, and that worked better for my family. Because that is what you do. Especially when he doesn't. I cried on tuesdays when I drove into work after I dropped her off when she cried that I was leaving. I came home to dinner cooked by a friend who knew how tired I was. I went grocery shopping, and cleaned the house and crammed in a week's worth of mommy time into my day off because that is what you do.
And he got fired from a minimum wage job, and dropped classes and our future seemed to become more uncertain all the time. There was always a next thing and always a reason. If he had spent half as much time just doing something as he did justifying why he was constantly the victim he would have been set. And I got good at telling the story of why I wasn't being taken care of. Hard times happen, I would never expect to be exempt from that but constantly allowing yourself to succumb to selfish urges or think only about how something affects you is not how a man should live his life. Work is hard, that is why it is called that. But we were commanded to go to work. Just as Adam was told he would prosper only by the amount of work he put into his life, we are expected to do that.
But sometimes men quit their jobs. And sometimes they live in their parent's basements for years because they would rather drive a car that is worth more than their annual salary and leased in their parent's names because no one with any logic would given them a car loan like that. And they get a Best Buy credit card and put a flat screen tv and speakers in their "lair", and they buy "their kids" an ipad for Christmas that has to stay at their house, and they pay $50 for haircuts and $80 for car washes and they spend $1,000 in Disneyland, not for tickets or hotels, but just on stuff because they are "making memories". And they don't pay for preschool, and they don't pay for backpacks or dance lessons or book orders because that kind of stuff isn't what is important. And then they find out they probably won't have a job in a few months so they go to a conference in Vegas, and buy the group dinner, and take the girlfriend to California and buy some new clothes from Banana Republic and put a lift kit on the beloved Jeep. And when the job isn't there you simply look around at those who depend on you and say, deal with it.
Because he knows I will. I will do what needs to be done because that is who I am. My parents will yet again pay for bills and buy Christmas gifts and take me grocery shopping because that is who they are. My dad has never considered anything that he works endlessly for to be his own. He considers it a righteous stewardship and he has blessed my life endlessly because of that. My mom buys boxes of diapers. And church shoes that worn too thin. And she quietly sneaks my van down to the gas station before anyone wakes up because that is who she is. They are motivated only by helping to ease my burden.
I recently met a man who I quickly came to adore. He saw a moment of simple need. I had something in my shoe and I was trying to balance on one foot while I couldn't get my shoelaces untied because my fingers were too cold. He grabbed my arm and helped me with the shoe and kindly said, "You just need someone to take care of you once in awhile." And I bit back tears. Not because I needed someone to do it but because he simply had. He is a man who has been taught what that means.
Teach your men that they should constantly be striving to do more for those around them. Make sure they understand the value of another person. Tell them that the quiet moments they spend creating homes of peace and enjoyment are the things that will shape future generations. Teach them that a lie should sting when it comes out of their mouth, instead of rolling out with ease. Make sure they know how to work, it is a requirement not a luxury we choose when we want to. Make sure they know how to enjoy when things are easy, but more importantly they persevere when things are hard. Don't let them yell at waiters, or old women, or their wives whether it be when others can hear or not. Teach them that fear is not the kind of power they should want to create but that respect is something you can't force. Teach them the value of what they achieve. Don't take that away by lessening the consequences of bad choices. Teach them to handle those defeats with grace. Push them a little harder than they want you too, greatness is never achieved without a little discomfort. Teach them that others feelings should always come before their own. Success that is found at an other's expense is not really success. Do not show them how to get out of responsibilities, teach them how to handle them and treat them as top priorities. Make sure they know that just because you can get away with something it doesn't make it okay to do so. Please show them what it means to righteously preside over a home. A wife should not be something that is tolerated or mistreated but should be loved and adored and respected as the celestial being she may one day be. Teach them that children are a gift and that misuse of that sacred duty to raise them will not be tolerated with any degree of allowance. Teach them what being a man of God means, that it is in the quiet, private moments where that truly manifests itself.
I know so many real men. I have been flooded in my life with good ones and I am grateful for that. They show my girls what should be expected of a man in this life and they are aware of the differences. This lessens the impact of those who haven't quite been able to reach that yet. So we go back to court. Because he doesn't want to pay as much, he shouldn't have to sacrifice his own needs to provide that. But we will be okay. Because I have been taught the ultimate example of what a man should be. And for awhile I will be both in my life, but I know He is aware of that and that compensations will be made. Because He is what man should be and that will never be lacking.
We are still fighting about dollars. Because that is what drives some people. And I am totally dependent on it. And that gives people power. And that makes some people ugly. When you believe something is owed to you, or that you deserve something you have, it makes you blind to it. Where your treasure is there will your heart be also. And so we go back to court. And I explain why my children cannot live on less than the $300 they get each month. And I defend why even though I am capable of making wages, and have not fought his insistence on my imputed income of $1,700, that I simply could not do that while not putting my kids in daycare, and going to school full time. Because 10 years ago I made the choice to drop out of college. I enrolled in a trade tech and worked two jobs while I went because we were investing in the dream together. He was going to be a doctor, so it was okay for me to sacrifice a bit. We were investing in a future. I didn't mind the fake diamond in the ring, I was working towards something bigger. So I worked. I got a job and spent 16 hours some days working. And when a position opened up above me, that I wasn't qualified for, I was given it, because I was good at it, and I worked for it. Then the baby came and I thought my life was going to be different. But six months later, after yet another job loss, store don't like when their employees steal from them, I went back to work. We couldn't pay our bills yet again and the welfare was running thin. My mom took me grocery shopping so I could pack my lunch and loved my baby, and I went to work. Because that is what you do. And I got another call, this time the job loss was because of sexual harassment claims from a fellow employee. And then I got another job, one I again wasn't qualified for, but one that I did well, and that worked better for my family. Because that is what you do. Especially when he doesn't. I cried on tuesdays when I drove into work after I dropped her off when she cried that I was leaving. I came home to dinner cooked by a friend who knew how tired I was. I went grocery shopping, and cleaned the house and crammed in a week's worth of mommy time into my day off because that is what you do.
And he got fired from a minimum wage job, and dropped classes and our future seemed to become more uncertain all the time. There was always a next thing and always a reason. If he had spent half as much time just doing something as he did justifying why he was constantly the victim he would have been set. And I got good at telling the story of why I wasn't being taken care of. Hard times happen, I would never expect to be exempt from that but constantly allowing yourself to succumb to selfish urges or think only about how something affects you is not how a man should live his life. Work is hard, that is why it is called that. But we were commanded to go to work. Just as Adam was told he would prosper only by the amount of work he put into his life, we are expected to do that.
But sometimes men quit their jobs. And sometimes they live in their parent's basements for years because they would rather drive a car that is worth more than their annual salary and leased in their parent's names because no one with any logic would given them a car loan like that. And they get a Best Buy credit card and put a flat screen tv and speakers in their "lair", and they buy "their kids" an ipad for Christmas that has to stay at their house, and they pay $50 for haircuts and $80 for car washes and they spend $1,000 in Disneyland, not for tickets or hotels, but just on stuff because they are "making memories". And they don't pay for preschool, and they don't pay for backpacks or dance lessons or book orders because that kind of stuff isn't what is important. And then they find out they probably won't have a job in a few months so they go to a conference in Vegas, and buy the group dinner, and take the girlfriend to California and buy some new clothes from Banana Republic and put a lift kit on the beloved Jeep. And when the job isn't there you simply look around at those who depend on you and say, deal with it.
Because he knows I will. I will do what needs to be done because that is who I am. My parents will yet again pay for bills and buy Christmas gifts and take me grocery shopping because that is who they are. My dad has never considered anything that he works endlessly for to be his own. He considers it a righteous stewardship and he has blessed my life endlessly because of that. My mom buys boxes of diapers. And church shoes that worn too thin. And she quietly sneaks my van down to the gas station before anyone wakes up because that is who she is. They are motivated only by helping to ease my burden.
I recently met a man who I quickly came to adore. He saw a moment of simple need. I had something in my shoe and I was trying to balance on one foot while I couldn't get my shoelaces untied because my fingers were too cold. He grabbed my arm and helped me with the shoe and kindly said, "You just need someone to take care of you once in awhile." And I bit back tears. Not because I needed someone to do it but because he simply had. He is a man who has been taught what that means.
Teach your men that they should constantly be striving to do more for those around them. Make sure they understand the value of another person. Tell them that the quiet moments they spend creating homes of peace and enjoyment are the things that will shape future generations. Teach them that a lie should sting when it comes out of their mouth, instead of rolling out with ease. Make sure they know how to work, it is a requirement not a luxury we choose when we want to. Make sure they know how to enjoy when things are easy, but more importantly they persevere when things are hard. Don't let them yell at waiters, or old women, or their wives whether it be when others can hear or not. Teach them that fear is not the kind of power they should want to create but that respect is something you can't force. Teach them the value of what they achieve. Don't take that away by lessening the consequences of bad choices. Teach them to handle those defeats with grace. Push them a little harder than they want you too, greatness is never achieved without a little discomfort. Teach them that others feelings should always come before their own. Success that is found at an other's expense is not really success. Do not show them how to get out of responsibilities, teach them how to handle them and treat them as top priorities. Make sure they know that just because you can get away with something it doesn't make it okay to do so. Please show them what it means to righteously preside over a home. A wife should not be something that is tolerated or mistreated but should be loved and adored and respected as the celestial being she may one day be. Teach them that children are a gift and that misuse of that sacred duty to raise them will not be tolerated with any degree of allowance. Teach them what being a man of God means, that it is in the quiet, private moments where that truly manifests itself.
I know so many real men. I have been flooded in my life with good ones and I am grateful for that. They show my girls what should be expected of a man in this life and they are aware of the differences. This lessens the impact of those who haven't quite been able to reach that yet. So we go back to court. Because he doesn't want to pay as much, he shouldn't have to sacrifice his own needs to provide that. But we will be okay. Because I have been taught the ultimate example of what a man should be. And for awhile I will be both in my life, but I know He is aware of that and that compensations will be made. Because He is what man should be and that will never be lacking.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
I read something that said, "If you run, you are a runner." I don't agree, I am definitely not a runner. But I run, and sometimes it feels like I run a lot. Today is National Running Day so I ran 7 miles and I thought about why I run. It's something that a lot of people do, but it is not something I ever did. I hated it. I thought the one mile fun run in junior high was actually going to kill me one day. Then last summer I just stepped out the door and started running. It came from a place of pain actually. I wanted my body to hurt as much as my soul did. I needed something to burn more and drown out what was going on inside of me. So I would run until that happened. It wasn't very far at first but it helped. I knew I was doing something that I couldn't have done the year before. It was hard and that was what I liked about it. I craved the feeling of overcoming something I thought I couldn't do. Some days I ran to get away from the house, from the legal paperwork and constant care of a new baby, and the monotony that can sometimes get to a young mom. It was the only thing that had a start and a finish, one thing I could actually check off that I had done that day. Some days I turned the music as loud as I could stand and just enjoyed the songs and the time I had to myself. And some days the steady thump of my sneakers on the asphalt was the absolute only thing in my life that seemed to be in control. And then my heart would be beat with the same constant rhythm and pretty soon my thoughts would slow from a frenzy of panicked fears and fuzzy, disorganized fragments into something that I could actually handle. Things made more sense after a run. Life wasn't so scary, if I could handle 5 miles I could handle other things. I was capable of doing hard things and that power was what running had given me. So I keep running. Some days it feels good, other days it sucks. Ha, which is just like life. So I may have started to run to outrun and escape my life, but now I run because it has helped give me back my life. Just like that one mile never killed me in seventh grade, the things that I would have thought I was never capable of handling have only made me stronger. It feels so great to push myself and the satisfaction of achieving something hard is the best feeling you can have. No I am not a runner. I am just a girl with a pair of running shoes and a "you can"t tell me what" kind of attitude. But most days that gets me a lot further than I would have ever thought possible. So I don't run for anyone else, I don't run for the races, I don't run for the times, I run because I can and most days that is pretty amazing!
Monday, March 25, 2013
It has been such a long minute since I have written anything on this blog and I am sad about that. I think I missed the moments to remember the feelings I was having and the lessons I have learned, but more than anything I think my brain needs to let thoughts out sometimes. No scratch that, my heart needs to let things out. My brain seems to process them okay but my heart sometimes gets a little encumbered with all the things it feels. But my heart doesn't feel as heavy anymore. I have made some some little jumps ahead and perhaps the urgency to write it out has waned just a bit. And the reason is that I have been busy. I have been racked with school work, I have been having fun with my family, going out with girlfriends, crying with girlfriends, laughing and laughing some more with friends and even squeezing in a date or two.
My world is so filled with beautiful people and the overwhelming majority of them are women. Utah seems to have a monopoly on them. I see them everywhere I go. They are at the school picking up their kids or teaching others. At church, teaching a lesson or reaching out a helping hand and giving me hugs. And in the text message I get from a friend, thousands of miles away, at just the right time reminding me that I am doing something amazing. They are in my home and in my family and all I have to do is turn around to find someone who amazes with their absolute drop dead gorgeous beauty. And I'm not talking about the "glitterbums" which is what my sister and I call the drones here who all wear the same jeans, have eyelash extensions that curve to the back of their head, and who seem to do nothing more than follow their crowd of friends from one fad to the next. I mean the real women. An aerobics teacher told us that she used to tell her classes to go until they couldn't do anymore. Push yourselves as far as you can, then she realized that these women would literally kill themselves before they felt they would stop! They were beyond tough, they had nothing inside that would tell them to slow down, they would not stop unless they were told to because they refused to give up. The women I know don't give up. They have been through things in life that would kill someone and yet they keep going. And they do it with energy, and joy and happiness. They are smart and funny and so wonderful to be around that it is addicting. It is so intoxicating and I am constantly amazed at how strong they are in handling the challenges they have been handed in their lives.
I recently sat across from a guy, very nice, who was attempting to explain some changes he had recently made in his approach to dating. He knew some of my background, not all of it, and he was sincerely trying to express what he felt had been a positive step in being more open-minded. But I just smiled, as all I heard him say was he was now at a place where he was okay with dating someone in my kind of a situation. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of my sharp tongue knows how white hot I was seething inside. For someone to think that they are offering me benevolence in my life by agreeing to even get to know me because I have children in my life and some scars on my heart, is in Southern terms "cock-a-mammy crazy." I thought how sad for all that he doesn't even know he was missing. He wanted someone more sparkly, someone that he felt was new, maybe a few more starts in their eyes. I get that. Everybody is entitled to what they feel they need in their life. Most people that walk through the pound want a new puppy, they are dang cute to look at, but who knows what you are going to get with it after you get home. My friends laughed when I compared us to the old dogs at the humane society but I did tell this certain guy what I felt, how I see the beauty in these women who have lived a little more life. I am so infatuated with the things they know and the brilliant lessons they teach me. They may not be as enthusiastic as someone who hasn't experienced as much but they know who they are, they know where they stand because they have had to withstand the storm. They appreciate all the good things because they know how it is to be without. I don't know how anyone can't see the diamond, but maybe it is because they don't always have to show it to know their worth. They may not desperately need the man in their life, but that only means that if you are there it is because they want you to be. Their lives are so much richer and so much more beautiful to me because they have created it that way, they have worked for it, they have earned it when they would have had every excuse to just give up. There are also wonderful people who are young, who may not have had to endure some of the trials that might await them. I love the young women in my life, they are pure and happy and they also help me remember how it feels to be optimistic and not weighed down with life, for it is meant to be lived happily. But the beauty that I strive for is not something that is found on the outside, it comes from a clear view of who you are, where you came from and what you are capable of when you turn your life to Christ and find your peace through this craziness we live in Him. Women are special to the Lord, and I know more of that now, as I have felt His sorrow for what they have to endure. And I have felt his strength and pride when they do it well. Women are sacred and they should always be treated as such, their power is so much more infinite they often realize. I love the women in my life. I love the joy they give to me. I love their examples and their humor and I love the special beauty that I so profoundly see in them each day. My quote in my bedroom says "Good Women: May we know them, may be them, may we raise them." I definitely know them, I have begun to raise a few, and because I am allowed to walk among them I am slowly beginning to take part and become one.
My world is so filled with beautiful people and the overwhelming majority of them are women. Utah seems to have a monopoly on them. I see them everywhere I go. They are at the school picking up their kids or teaching others. At church, teaching a lesson or reaching out a helping hand and giving me hugs. And in the text message I get from a friend, thousands of miles away, at just the right time reminding me that I am doing something amazing. They are in my home and in my family and all I have to do is turn around to find someone who amazes with their absolute drop dead gorgeous beauty. And I'm not talking about the "glitterbums" which is what my sister and I call the drones here who all wear the same jeans, have eyelash extensions that curve to the back of their head, and who seem to do nothing more than follow their crowd of friends from one fad to the next. I mean the real women. An aerobics teacher told us that she used to tell her classes to go until they couldn't do anymore. Push yourselves as far as you can, then she realized that these women would literally kill themselves before they felt they would stop! They were beyond tough, they had nothing inside that would tell them to slow down, they would not stop unless they were told to because they refused to give up. The women I know don't give up. They have been through things in life that would kill someone and yet they keep going. And they do it with energy, and joy and happiness. They are smart and funny and so wonderful to be around that it is addicting. It is so intoxicating and I am constantly amazed at how strong they are in handling the challenges they have been handed in their lives.
I recently sat across from a guy, very nice, who was attempting to explain some changes he had recently made in his approach to dating. He knew some of my background, not all of it, and he was sincerely trying to express what he felt had been a positive step in being more open-minded. But I just smiled, as all I heard him say was he was now at a place where he was okay with dating someone in my kind of a situation. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of my sharp tongue knows how white hot I was seething inside. For someone to think that they are offering me benevolence in my life by agreeing to even get to know me because I have children in my life and some scars on my heart, is in Southern terms "cock-a-mammy crazy." I thought how sad for all that he doesn't even know he was missing. He wanted someone more sparkly, someone that he felt was new, maybe a few more starts in their eyes. I get that. Everybody is entitled to what they feel they need in their life. Most people that walk through the pound want a new puppy, they are dang cute to look at, but who knows what you are going to get with it after you get home. My friends laughed when I compared us to the old dogs at the humane society but I did tell this certain guy what I felt, how I see the beauty in these women who have lived a little more life. I am so infatuated with the things they know and the brilliant lessons they teach me. They may not be as enthusiastic as someone who hasn't experienced as much but they know who they are, they know where they stand because they have had to withstand the storm. They appreciate all the good things because they know how it is to be without. I don't know how anyone can't see the diamond, but maybe it is because they don't always have to show it to know their worth. They may not desperately need the man in their life, but that only means that if you are there it is because they want you to be. Their lives are so much richer and so much more beautiful to me because they have created it that way, they have worked for it, they have earned it when they would have had every excuse to just give up. There are also wonderful people who are young, who may not have had to endure some of the trials that might await them. I love the young women in my life, they are pure and happy and they also help me remember how it feels to be optimistic and not weighed down with life, for it is meant to be lived happily. But the beauty that I strive for is not something that is found on the outside, it comes from a clear view of who you are, where you came from and what you are capable of when you turn your life to Christ and find your peace through this craziness we live in Him. Women are special to the Lord, and I know more of that now, as I have felt His sorrow for what they have to endure. And I have felt his strength and pride when they do it well. Women are sacred and they should always be treated as such, their power is so much more infinite they often realize. I love the women in my life. I love the joy they give to me. I love their examples and their humor and I love the special beauty that I so profoundly see in them each day. My quote in my bedroom says "Good Women: May we know them, may be them, may we raise them." I definitely know them, I have begun to raise a few, and because I am allowed to walk among them I am slowly beginning to take part and become one.
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