teach your men to be men, so their women don't have to be..

I can open my own door. I carry my own bag. My dad taught me how to change my oil and my mom taught me that I am strong enough to do whatever needs to be done. It's not always a matter of what someone is capable of, but sometimes it should be about how much you can do to ease that for them.
We are still fighting about dollars. Because that is what drives some people. And I am totally dependent on it. And that gives people power. And that makes some people ugly. When you believe something is owed to you, or that you deserve something you have, it makes you blind to it. Where your treasure is there will your heart be also. And so we go back to court. And I explain why my children cannot live on less than the $300 they get each month. And I defend why even though I am capable of making wages, and have not fought his insistence on my imputed income of $1,700, that I simply could not do that while not putting my kids in daycare, and going to school full time. Because 10 years ago I made the choice to drop out of college. I enrolled in a trade tech and worked two jobs while I went because we were investing in the dream together. He was going to be a doctor, so it was okay for me to sacrifice a bit. We were investing in a future. I didn't mind the fake diamond in the ring, I was working towards something bigger. So I worked. I got a job and spent 16 hours some days working. And when a position opened up above me, that I wasn't qualified for, I was given it, because I was good at it, and I worked for it. Then the baby came and I thought my life was going to be different. But six months later, after yet another job loss, store don't like when their employees steal from them, I went back to work. We couldn't pay our bills yet again and the welfare was running thin. My mom took me grocery shopping so I could pack my lunch and loved my baby, and I went to work. Because that is what you do. And I got another call, this time the job loss was because of sexual harassment claims from a fellow employee. And then I got another job, one I again wasn't qualified for, but one that I did well, and that worked better for my family. Because that is what you do. Especially when he doesn't. I cried on tuesdays when I drove into work after I dropped her off when she cried that I was leaving. I came home to dinner cooked by a friend who knew how tired I was. I went grocery shopping, and cleaned the house and crammed in a week's worth of mommy time into my day off because that is what you do.
And he got fired from a minimum wage job, and dropped classes and our future seemed to become more uncertain all the time. There was always a next thing and always a reason. If he had spent half as much time just doing something as he did justifying why he was constantly the victim he would have been set. And I got good at telling the story of why I wasn't being taken care of. Hard times happen, I would never expect to be exempt from that but constantly allowing yourself to succumb to selfish urges or think only about how something affects you is not how a man should live his life. Work is hard, that is why it is called that. But we were commanded to go to work. Just as Adam was told he would prosper only by the amount of work he put into his life, we are expected to do that.
But sometimes men quit their jobs. And sometimes they live in their parent's basements for years because they would rather drive a car that is worth more than their annual salary and leased in their parent's names because no one with any logic would given them a car loan like that. And they get a Best Buy credit card and put a flat screen tv and speakers in their "lair", and they buy "their kids" an ipad for Christmas that has to stay at their house, and they pay $50 for haircuts and $80 for car washes and they spend $1,000 in Disneyland, not for tickets or hotels, but just on stuff because they are "making memories". And they don't pay for preschool, and they don't pay for backpacks or dance lessons or book orders because that kind of stuff isn't what is important. And then they find out they probably won't have a job in a few months so they go to a conference in Vegas, and buy the group dinner, and take the girlfriend to California and buy some new clothes from Banana Republic and put a lift kit on the beloved Jeep. And when the job isn't there you simply look around at those who depend on you and say, deal with it.
Because he knows I will. I will do what needs to be done because that is who I am. My parents will yet again pay for bills and buy Christmas gifts and take me grocery shopping because that is who they are. My dad has never considered anything that he works endlessly for to be his own. He considers it a righteous stewardship and he has blessed my life endlessly because of that. My mom buys boxes of diapers. And church shoes that worn too thin. And she quietly sneaks my van down to the gas station before anyone wakes up because that is who she is. They are motivated only by helping to ease my burden.
I recently met a man who I quickly came to adore. He saw a moment of simple need. I had something in my shoe and I was trying to balance on one foot while I couldn't get my shoelaces untied because my fingers were too cold. He grabbed my arm and helped me with the shoe and kindly said, "You just need someone to take care of you once in awhile." And I bit back tears. Not because I needed someone to do it but because he simply had. He is a man who has been taught what that means.
Teach your men that they should constantly be striving to do more for those around them. Make sure they understand the value of another person. Tell them that the quiet moments they spend creating homes of peace and enjoyment are the things that will shape future generations. Teach them that a lie should sting when it comes out of their mouth, instead of rolling out with ease. Make sure they know how to work, it is a requirement not a luxury we choose when we want to. Make sure they know how to enjoy when things are easy, but more importantly they persevere when things are hard. Don't let them yell at waiters, or old women, or their wives whether it be when others can hear or not. Teach them that fear is not the kind of power they should want to create but that respect is something you can't force. Teach them the value of what they achieve. Don't take that away by lessening the consequences of bad choices. Teach them to handle those defeats with grace. Push them a little harder than they want you too, greatness is never achieved without a little discomfort. Teach them that others feelings should always come before their own. Success that is found at an other's expense is not really success. Do not show them how to get out of responsibilities, teach them how to handle them and treat them as top priorities. Make sure they know that just because you can get away with something it doesn't make it okay to do so. Please show them what it means to righteously preside over a home. A wife should not be something that is tolerated or mistreated but should be loved and adored and respected as the celestial being she may one day be. Teach them that children are a gift and that misuse of that sacred duty to raise them will not be tolerated with any degree of allowance. Teach them what being a man of God means, that it is in the quiet, private moments where that truly manifests itself.
I know so many real men. I have been flooded in my life with good ones and I am grateful for that. They show my girls what should be expected of a man in this life and they are aware of the differences. This lessens the impact of those who haven't quite been able to reach that yet. So we go back to court. Because he doesn't want to pay as much, he shouldn't have to sacrifice his own needs to provide that. But we will be okay. Because I have been taught the ultimate example of what a man should be. And for awhile I will be both in my life, but I know He is aware of that and that compensations will be made. Because He is what man should be and that will never be lacking.