Faith

She handed me the beautiful paper chain she had made in primary and sweetly said, "See Mom, it's just like the one you taught me about in your dream..." It was seven circles, all connected, each bearing the name of a member of our family carefully handwritten in her neat little writing, and two other links, stapled to her own circle that had the name of her father and his soon to be wife. And my heart melted, it was the perfect illustration of a scene we had worked very hard to get this little girl to understand as we watched her struggle with questions and worries no child should bear the previous months. She is the middle child in our family and typically personifies that with her peaceful temperament and fun, easy-going ways. But she had been steadily losing her sparkle in recent months and I worried about her downward turn as she became more sullen and difficult. I tried to talk to her but she was unable to open up about what was bothering her. I could feel her internal struggle, her allegiances were being questioned and her love was being devalued because it wasn't absolutely and entirely given only to him. He is insecure and an insecure adult can do absolute devastation to a vulnerable child. Stomachaches started happening more frequently on Wednesday mornings, she stopped using words and had complete and utter meltdowns over little things like clothes and after school snacks. I was angry, why would someone knowingly make their child suffer but it's because their world is so small and only about themselves. Then she got scared. And fear is a truly terrifying emotion. It makes your mind create what your heart can't handle and begins to convince yourself of horrible things that may or may not happen. She was scared of her room, she was scared at night and she was scared to tell me why. And I wanted to rip open someone's chest and tear apart the mean and cold heart that had put this fear into my baby. Because those thoughts never go away. When someone loses respect for women and destroys their conscience mind with the kind of filth you can find in this world, it can make boundaries blur and it can give power to physical temptations and it can make people do unthinkable things and I didn't know if that was what she wasn't telling me. But you can't stop the visits. You can't express your concern because it doesn't matter to anyone until there is blood drawn. No quantifiable damage, no problem. So we did everything we could. Extended family prayed, And fasted and cried and prayed. She was given a magic crystal from a grandma to drive the evil spirits away. There were lots of extra hugs and lots of kind words. But she still struggled. And when she would have to leave she would just put on "the mask." She would smile and go Stepford wife. Completely hollow inside, like she blew out her flame every time. It is sickening to see a seven year old become such a skilled actress. And I went to the place where I know peace is always waiting and I pleaded for answers. Any knowledge that would help open her up, and I prayed that the fear would subside. Just a little, just for a moment, too calm the mother bear inside and to give that little girl back her light. I was involved that night with working with five women. I didn't know them, their names were beautiful but a very vague representation of someone who had a luven a real life once long ago. But when I walked in the worker stopped and looked at me, looked at her lists and switched them, saying, "I'm going to give you this one." As I listened that night to the promises I had heard many times, I felt the immense and unstoppable strength in them. I felt that the women I was working with were strong as well. They were excited to begin what they had been waiting to do. They had a great mission before them and I was grateful to be a part of that, I knew they would be a part of me now and I thought of all the strong women who I have been blessed to know and come from in my life. I knew that I should tell her about this. But when she came home it was worse than it had ever been, my husband said it actually scared him to see the darkness that threatened to envelope her. I asked her to tell me what was wrong and she flatly refused, would not even look at me. So I grabbed her hand, prayed for help and just started talking. Then suddenly knew what I needed to tell her. I shared an experience that I had a few years earlier. It was 7 years before, the first time I had separated from their father, and I was holding a sleeping baby in my parent's kitchen. The tears were flowing while I wondered why God had sent me two innocent little spirits to such a bad family situation. I felt like I had failed everyone in my life by choosing to be in this marriage and I wondered why God had allowed me to do that. I had tried to make good choices, tried to do the things I knew were right, married what I thought was a righteous person and I couldn't understand now why I had to see these children suffer through the effects of other's bad decisions. I felt absolutely hopeless and heartbroken when I went to bed that night. But in those are the times that God can truly affect and teach your soul and I experienced something that has given me such a profound peace and been a source of strength countless times since. I knew in that moment that I had understood many of the challenges that I would face during my earthly life. I believe that K had been sent to his family and given the task to cleanse his family line of the misdeeds that had happened for generations. He came into a difficult role, he would be asked to withstand the most difficult form of persecution, that which comes from those who proclaim to be friend and who should be valiant parents. He has gone through abuse. He has been used for gain by his own parents as children should not be. He has suffered as his accomplishments have not been celebrated and his burdens have not been lifted and many times he has had circumstances to withstand as those who profess to be his biggest cheerleaders have actually been working towards keeping him tied down in the enabling of sin and failure. But K had a mission, he would be given every tool and sent with the ability and support to fulfill his role. His link in the chain of his posterity could be one that was stronger and more pure than they had ever been. It would be hard but he could cleanse generations. And I agreed to sustain in him that. I knew the suffering that would be endured but I knew that we could overcome it and I promised to help. But the Lord knows about moral agency and understands that not everyone succeeds at the tasks they are called to accomplish. So he fortified me. Should K fail at his mission and succumb to the flailings of a life lived the easy way, God would ensure that the cycles of abuse ended with my children. I was put in the way to stop that. God knew that no matter would happen in my marriage that I would always, endlessly and without wavering protect my children and raise them under the stewardship that God would require. Because my children had a much bigger mission to accomplish in their own lives. He needs them as valiant soldiers to prepare the way for the Savior to return in these last days by bringing their brothers and sisters to God through their example and discipleship in Christ. They have to be living a righteous life and gaining the pieces of a testimony that will carry them through the days when their generation will be the most wicked the earth has seen. And I had to ensure that by protecting them from the things that would hurt them, by teaching them the things they needed to know and by giving them the ability to learn to stand up, on their own strength for the things they knew to be right. Her little hand, that had been trying to hold a weight that was much too heavy for its tiny grasp, softened just slightly and I hoped she had understood what I was trying to tell her. I told her that I knew that God loved her, that He would help her when she couldn't do it on her own. She was offered a blessing but she struggled with what to say. She had been wrongly told that only one person should give her blessings, that power should be limited and those blessings should be cut off if it didn't from only one source. But that is simply not true. The peace and power that comes from using the priesthood and the power of God does not need to be withheld or diminished by anyone. She was given a powerful blessing and promised the ability to banish the darkness from her life when she needed too. She was reminded of her power over those who would try to harm her and again reminded that God loves her dearly. And after we told her again how much we love her. And that God loves all her family, including her father. I want him to be better. People often make jokes that it would be better if he just fell off a cliff and I don't deny that I have had those thoughts, but I don't believe them. It will be best if everyone, of their own accord, is together and happy throughout all of our existence. I know that it is better for the girls to have an involved father in their life. We try to facilitate that as much as we can, but just as you can't bring someone to salvation, they have to make an effort in that. But there is more than enough happiness to go around in this life. we express to our children often that there is always room for everyone at the table. We want everyone they love and care about to be as close to them as possible. Only those who are unhappy with themselves will feel the need to break someone else's joy into pieces. They have to see the destruction, just like a cracked mirror. When you can't stand to look at yourself you have to smash any source of reflection and often that is those who are closest and most willing to help. I could have helped him, I want to help him. But he has to open himself up to be willing to accept that. And right now he doesn't want to do that. It is too hard to admit to yourself what you have allowed yourself to do and become. So you look desperately for the next thing you can break. Last week I was told that I would be responsible for half of the extreme amount of debt he racked up without my knowledge while we were married. I though it was $12,000. It was over $70,000. I have to give him the minivan I drive and pay him dividends of money that I have used to compensate the $400 a month he has paid for 3 children in child support, because they can't live on air...but all those things are disposable and while painful in this temporal life, nothing of true value. I heard him lie and it still shocked me so much that I couldn't breathe in, I watched his mom enable him to live a life of misery as she is willing to say whatever necessary to remove responsibility from her son. But as I sat at that courtroom table, trying to stop the fear that was coursing through my body in waves, I looked at the empty chair the judge would soon sit in and there make decisions that would so profoundly affect the course of my families life, and I pictured my true and final judge sitting there. I thought about the day that I will answer to my Savior for the actions of my life. The mistakes have been many. The sins will be painfully accounted for. My lacking and failings in this life sometimes feel constant and I think I will never be able to get things right. And that makes me doubt myself. Have I done enough? Have I truly tried my best? And the fear returns. But when I thought of meeting Jesus that day I knew that despite my shortcomings, His would never fail. The price had already been paid and it wasn't some unreachable sum I set for myself that I had to meet. I just had to accept what he had already suffered for me. So I declared that whatever the outcome that day, I would act in a way that I could answer to the Lord for. And I did. I didn't seek vindication, I didn't attempt to deceive or manipulate the situation, and I didn't ask others to cover for my mistakes. I looked every person in the room in the eye, and after I lost everything I had to gain in that case that day, I walked out knowing I could still look each person in the eye with a clear conscience, just a broken spirit.
But it hasn't stopped, for when one gets a taste of what the devil is offering it becomes an obsession to get more. So we go to court again. This time it is a list of grievances attacking my character and insinuating I am unfit to be their mother. And I don't want to do this. I have a life that is beyond amazing in what I have been blessed with. But that isn't okay to someone who is miserable. So instead of living that life, I have spent weeks poring over false documents, dredging up past fights, reliving horrible memories of arguments, getting reports from Child Protective Services after he made reports that were found to be completely unfounded and police reports when he called yet again to cause a scene in our home, trying to breach the safety of the borders it provides. But it all falls through. Because what he doesn't understand is that you can't put out the light that comes through a person that comes from truth. People see our family and they can see what we are together. They know our character, and the kind of lives we have because we live it at all times. They know we have integrity simply by seeing how we handle ourselves. No need to proclaim it, no need to prove and no court ruling can take that away.
So I pray that tomorrow goes well. That the truth will be seen by the commissioner, That the support for what I'm doing will be felt in that courtroom tomorrow at 10:00 am and the hands that so vehemently want to hurt us will be stayed back for awhile.