They probably barely weighed more than the huge court file I had flung over my shoulder. 3 tiny women standing on the other side of a metal detector. Strong and silent and meaning more to me than even I knew at the time. I had finally asked for what I should have a long time ago and opened up the raw mess of this emotional turmoil of divorce and admitted it was too much for me. Maybe it was a blessing to be pushed past the point of tolerance, to attack the only piece of this that I give any real importance to which is my girls, because it then became too big for just me to fight for. But I had no idea how much having this backing in my corner would mean. These were women who had taken care of me my entire life, played with me, laughed with me and been right where I needed them when I needed them countless times before. And now they stood here, behind me once again. Not worried about the cost or the inconvenience or even the fear and ugliness that can come from being in court. I had asked and they were there. And then they picked up the fight for me. They wanted to stand where they were, they wanted those who were coming to know what they were doing. This was not some game that was to be played behind closed doors and in moody text messages. They were affecting lives and now they would have to answer for it. Cowards do things in secret, and we weren't playing that game anymore. In a last ditch effort to bully their way through this they pulled me into a room to "talk." They had slithered and sidled through the crowd that had ridden up in the elevator with them, my sister, more aunts, grandma, parents and others. It was a scene that I will certainly never forget. Once in the room they again offered nothing. No solutions, it was just contempt. After it became quickly evident that they had nothing to actually say, and were just trying to intimidate a coercion out of me, I again didn't have to fight alone. Two of the men who have done more for me in my life were there, pushed past their own point of tolerance. My dad has seen me go through all of my ups and downs in life. He personally witnessed and experienced so much of the sabotage and destruction my x caused. He spent so many hours talking, listening, crying and taking care of so much I needed. He has never asked for recognition or reward in any of it. He is the reason why I knew men should be better. And the other man is better than I could have ever thought. And he is who I will look for and lean on for the rest of forever. He wasn't going to allow that to happen that day, and called out the lawyer trying to take advantage of someone she had been able to push around before. I am endlessly grateful for him. We listened in the courtroom to two cases before us. It is all the same, "I want more stuff, I want more money, I want to punish you because that will somehow make me feel better about my mistakes and the lacking I feel in my own life." It won't. And they know that, but since they won't admit it ti themselves we go back again and again and again. They say there is no victimless sin and it is a shame that he can do this over and over. Every time he gets mad, or bored, or questioned on his own behavior he can turn it around and pull my family and our world down into his mess. But that day as we took our seats at the two tables, with the dusty microphone and water rings from the leaking plastic pitcher, I was fine. I calmly spread out my papers, knowing that it is easy to defend an honest life, lived with good intentions. I know I'm not the best mom in the world. I wasn't even close to being the tenth best mom in that room. But because of the women who were there, I knew the power that a righteous mother could command. And I knew, without a shadow of doubt, that when I needed to ask for it that God would defend that role when it is questioned. I didn't have to frantically shuffle my papers that day, I didn't have to question what I had written, I didn't have to try and remember what lies I had told, or what defense I had to spin for myself. I just told about my life, because this is simply who I am and what I do. Every minute of every day, I am a mom. It is so easy to be strong when you are defending your most important treasures. I had gone into that day knowing that I would refuse to be dismissed. My value as a mother was in question and the consequences were too important to have that degraded. I would not shrink in my duties just because some small minded brat was not getting his way on his demands. What I was doing had so much more meaning and the time had come to stand up for that. But I didn't have to do much. There were good people there, who care about children, and since that was what I was defending it felt very good to be backed up in that. The endless list that he and his mother had written was dismissed as the immature drivel that it was. They stammered and stumbled, attempting to vilify me. The solutions I had provided in an attempt to improve our situation were brought into play and each time someone tried to use my kids as pawns or move another person's role as more valuable than that of a parent, it was quickly stopped. The x and those who manipulate were told to stop playing games and to begin acting like adults, to face the reality of being a divorced family and handle the consequences maturely. They are not above the rules, just like everybody else they would be required to play along.
I have always struggled with the feelings being around lawyers and in the courtroom bring to me. I didn't understand why I couldn't control the physical pains of discomfort that came when I was in that environment. But as I sat in my place of refuge, as far removed from the world as I can get, a few days earlier I realized it was because I had tried to move myself and my life as far from the yuckiness of the world as we could get it. I don't want to be anywhere that is so easily influenced by the adversary. And that is why these places are such a source of discomfort to me. But the room that day was different. Each of those people in my life had prepared themselves so faithfully to stand behind me and the girls and were so filled with the spirit that it literally changed that room. I had been there many times before and that day it was a different place. And that change permeated so deeply that I know it affected the events of that day. There were too many small things that happened to deny that it was absolutely under the control of God's hand. I only glanced over my shoulder to the side of the room once. I don't think I could have handled myself if I had turned all the way around. There is power in a faithful person. There is strength in a righteous family. That room was filled with people I could see and more that I can't wait to see again. My burden was made lighter that day by sharing my yoke with so many who were more than willing to bear up my struggling and walk with me when I needed them.
I was on a pioneer trek a few years ago. I was barely older than most of the kids I had been given charge of. My daughters on that trip were young and small. They had struggled with so many different things that week and then we were asked to pull our handcart up a hill, in sand a foot deep by ourselves. I was terrified, again I was surrounded by skinny women being asked to accomplish insurmountable tasks. But they were willing so we sang a chorus of "Carry on my wayward son..." and we pulled as hard as we could and they were adamant about not having help in their task. My heart broke as I watched my little girl next to me struggle with each step as she gave absolutely everything she had to barely move our wagon inches. I didn't even know I was silently crying until I saw the trail of mud the drips had left on my forearms. I knew I had to give more than I felt I could if we were going to keep going at all. I don't know how long we pushed or how far we actually traveled. I knew that I wasn't going to make it much further when I felt a very sudden and abrupt lurch forward. My handle fell slack as my efforts no longer kept up with the push from behind the cart. The boys from our family had stood on the hill and watched with difficulty as we went by. When they couldn't stand it any longer they had broke through the crowd and without permission caught up to us, put their heads down and pushed with all their might as soon as they could reach us. They took the weight and they took it on themselves, I learned that day what it means to really need the help of others. I cried harder as my oldest son pried my stuck fingers off the handle and said, "Let me take this Ma, you take a rest."
There were no tears as I happily walked out of that room, hugs and relief were everywhere. Finally some peace, even though it lasted a short moment, it was such a blessing that I can't even start to express the gratitude I felt that day.
That night as we sat on the floor of our living room and enjoyed the the safety and security that comes when all of our family is in one room, without the gloom of court and custody hanging imminent as it had for weeks before, I was deeply moved as I began to picture each of the individuals who had prayed and fasted and expressed their love for us. It is true. Each of these people had knelt in prayer, believing that they were personally asking God to show His hand in my life. They believed this. It is true. It is how we can survive these trials we are asked to endure. It gives meaning to the hard and and to the menial tasks we have to accomplish. Many people actually expressed thanks for the chance to go through this with me as their own faith grew because they were willing to act on their beliefs. This is what it is about. It is about using these experiences to connect with God, to come closer to Christ and to learn to succor one another as He did, for that is how we will live when we are with Him again. Each soul is of such infinite worth and I am so grateful that mine is valued by this army of people who matter to me. I didn't know people cared. I thought it was better to try and handle it by myself, it is embarrassing and degrading, it is painful and it isn't something I wanted to put out as part of my life to people. But what I didn't know was how that didn't matter to any of them. They loved me for my bumps and bruises and scuffs and shortcomings. My Grandma said it simply when she just said, everybody has scars. And sometimes we need to share them with others to truly begin to heal. After the previous week I felt so battered and bent but I had been lifted up, not just because of the court hearing, but because of the blessing of knowing I was cared about. My dad had found his faith in dirt that week, and he knew that if God cared about something as simple as topsoil then he certainly cared about his son and daughters. He found God hand in his life and it helped to know He was always in mine.

Faith

She handed me the beautiful paper chain she had made in primary and sweetly said, "See Mom, it's just like the one you taught me about in your dream..." It was seven circles, all connected, each bearing the name of a member of our family carefully handwritten in her neat little writing, and two other links, stapled to her own circle that had the name of her father and his soon to be wife. And my heart melted, it was the perfect illustration of a scene we had worked very hard to get this little girl to understand as we watched her struggle with questions and worries no child should bear the previous months. She is the middle child in our family and typically personifies that with her peaceful temperament and fun, easy-going ways. But she had been steadily losing her sparkle in recent months and I worried about her downward turn as she became more sullen and difficult. I tried to talk to her but she was unable to open up about what was bothering her. I could feel her internal struggle, her allegiances were being questioned and her love was being devalued because it wasn't absolutely and entirely given only to him. He is insecure and an insecure adult can do absolute devastation to a vulnerable child. Stomachaches started happening more frequently on Wednesday mornings, she stopped using words and had complete and utter meltdowns over little things like clothes and after school snacks. I was angry, why would someone knowingly make their child suffer but it's because their world is so small and only about themselves. Then she got scared. And fear is a truly terrifying emotion. It makes your mind create what your heart can't handle and begins to convince yourself of horrible things that may or may not happen. She was scared of her room, she was scared at night and she was scared to tell me why. And I wanted to rip open someone's chest and tear apart the mean and cold heart that had put this fear into my baby. Because those thoughts never go away. When someone loses respect for women and destroys their conscience mind with the kind of filth you can find in this world, it can make boundaries blur and it can give power to physical temptations and it can make people do unthinkable things and I didn't know if that was what she wasn't telling me. But you can't stop the visits. You can't express your concern because it doesn't matter to anyone until there is blood drawn. No quantifiable damage, no problem. So we did everything we could. Extended family prayed, And fasted and cried and prayed. She was given a magic crystal from a grandma to drive the evil spirits away. There were lots of extra hugs and lots of kind words. But she still struggled. And when she would have to leave she would just put on "the mask." She would smile and go Stepford wife. Completely hollow inside, like she blew out her flame every time. It is sickening to see a seven year old become such a skilled actress. And I went to the place where I know peace is always waiting and I pleaded for answers. Any knowledge that would help open her up, and I prayed that the fear would subside. Just a little, just for a moment, too calm the mother bear inside and to give that little girl back her light. I was involved that night with working with five women. I didn't know them, their names were beautiful but a very vague representation of someone who had a luven a real life once long ago. But when I walked in the worker stopped and looked at me, looked at her lists and switched them, saying, "I'm going to give you this one." As I listened that night to the promises I had heard many times, I felt the immense and unstoppable strength in them. I felt that the women I was working with were strong as well. They were excited to begin what they had been waiting to do. They had a great mission before them and I was grateful to be a part of that, I knew they would be a part of me now and I thought of all the strong women who I have been blessed to know and come from in my life. I knew that I should tell her about this. But when she came home it was worse than it had ever been, my husband said it actually scared him to see the darkness that threatened to envelope her. I asked her to tell me what was wrong and she flatly refused, would not even look at me. So I grabbed her hand, prayed for help and just started talking. Then suddenly knew what I needed to tell her. I shared an experience that I had a few years earlier. It was 7 years before, the first time I had separated from their father, and I was holding a sleeping baby in my parent's kitchen. The tears were flowing while I wondered why God had sent me two innocent little spirits to such a bad family situation. I felt like I had failed everyone in my life by choosing to be in this marriage and I wondered why God had allowed me to do that. I had tried to make good choices, tried to do the things I knew were right, married what I thought was a righteous person and I couldn't understand now why I had to see these children suffer through the effects of other's bad decisions. I felt absolutely hopeless and heartbroken when I went to bed that night. But in those are the times that God can truly affect and teach your soul and I experienced something that has given me such a profound peace and been a source of strength countless times since. I knew in that moment that I had understood many of the challenges that I would face during my earthly life. I believe that K had been sent to his family and given the task to cleanse his family line of the misdeeds that had happened for generations. He came into a difficult role, he would be asked to withstand the most difficult form of persecution, that which comes from those who proclaim to be friend and who should be valiant parents. He has gone through abuse. He has been used for gain by his own parents as children should not be. He has suffered as his accomplishments have not been celebrated and his burdens have not been lifted and many times he has had circumstances to withstand as those who profess to be his biggest cheerleaders have actually been working towards keeping him tied down in the enabling of sin and failure. But K had a mission, he would be given every tool and sent with the ability and support to fulfill his role. His link in the chain of his posterity could be one that was stronger and more pure than they had ever been. It would be hard but he could cleanse generations. And I agreed to sustain in him that. I knew the suffering that would be endured but I knew that we could overcome it and I promised to help. But the Lord knows about moral agency and understands that not everyone succeeds at the tasks they are called to accomplish. So he fortified me. Should K fail at his mission and succumb to the flailings of a life lived the easy way, God would ensure that the cycles of abuse ended with my children. I was put in the way to stop that. God knew that no matter would happen in my marriage that I would always, endlessly and without wavering protect my children and raise them under the stewardship that God would require. Because my children had a much bigger mission to accomplish in their own lives. He needs them as valiant soldiers to prepare the way for the Savior to return in these last days by bringing their brothers and sisters to God through their example and discipleship in Christ. They have to be living a righteous life and gaining the pieces of a testimony that will carry them through the days when their generation will be the most wicked the earth has seen. And I had to ensure that by protecting them from the things that would hurt them, by teaching them the things they needed to know and by giving them the ability to learn to stand up, on their own strength for the things they knew to be right. Her little hand, that had been trying to hold a weight that was much too heavy for its tiny grasp, softened just slightly and I hoped she had understood what I was trying to tell her. I told her that I knew that God loved her, that He would help her when she couldn't do it on her own. She was offered a blessing but she struggled with what to say. She had been wrongly told that only one person should give her blessings, that power should be limited and those blessings should be cut off if it didn't from only one source. But that is simply not true. The peace and power that comes from using the priesthood and the power of God does not need to be withheld or diminished by anyone. She was given a powerful blessing and promised the ability to banish the darkness from her life when she needed too. She was reminded of her power over those who would try to harm her and again reminded that God loves her dearly. And after we told her again how much we love her. And that God loves all her family, including her father. I want him to be better. People often make jokes that it would be better if he just fell off a cliff and I don't deny that I have had those thoughts, but I don't believe them. It will be best if everyone, of their own accord, is together and happy throughout all of our existence. I know that it is better for the girls to have an involved father in their life. We try to facilitate that as much as we can, but just as you can't bring someone to salvation, they have to make an effort in that. But there is more than enough happiness to go around in this life. we express to our children often that there is always room for everyone at the table. We want everyone they love and care about to be as close to them as possible. Only those who are unhappy with themselves will feel the need to break someone else's joy into pieces. They have to see the destruction, just like a cracked mirror. When you can't stand to look at yourself you have to smash any source of reflection and often that is those who are closest and most willing to help. I could have helped him, I want to help him. But he has to open himself up to be willing to accept that. And right now he doesn't want to do that. It is too hard to admit to yourself what you have allowed yourself to do and become. So you look desperately for the next thing you can break. Last week I was told that I would be responsible for half of the extreme amount of debt he racked up without my knowledge while we were married. I though it was $12,000. It was over $70,000. I have to give him the minivan I drive and pay him dividends of money that I have used to compensate the $400 a month he has paid for 3 children in child support, because they can't live on air...but all those things are disposable and while painful in this temporal life, nothing of true value. I heard him lie and it still shocked me so much that I couldn't breathe in, I watched his mom enable him to live a life of misery as she is willing to say whatever necessary to remove responsibility from her son. But as I sat at that courtroom table, trying to stop the fear that was coursing through my body in waves, I looked at the empty chair the judge would soon sit in and there make decisions that would so profoundly affect the course of my families life, and I pictured my true and final judge sitting there. I thought about the day that I will answer to my Savior for the actions of my life. The mistakes have been many. The sins will be painfully accounted for. My lacking and failings in this life sometimes feel constant and I think I will never be able to get things right. And that makes me doubt myself. Have I done enough? Have I truly tried my best? And the fear returns. But when I thought of meeting Jesus that day I knew that despite my shortcomings, His would never fail. The price had already been paid and it wasn't some unreachable sum I set for myself that I had to meet. I just had to accept what he had already suffered for me. So I declared that whatever the outcome that day, I would act in a way that I could answer to the Lord for. And I did. I didn't seek vindication, I didn't attempt to deceive or manipulate the situation, and I didn't ask others to cover for my mistakes. I looked every person in the room in the eye, and after I lost everything I had to gain in that case that day, I walked out knowing I could still look each person in the eye with a clear conscience, just a broken spirit.
But it hasn't stopped, for when one gets a taste of what the devil is offering it becomes an obsession to get more. So we go to court again. This time it is a list of grievances attacking my character and insinuating I am unfit to be their mother. And I don't want to do this. I have a life that is beyond amazing in what I have been blessed with. But that isn't okay to someone who is miserable. So instead of living that life, I have spent weeks poring over false documents, dredging up past fights, reliving horrible memories of arguments, getting reports from Child Protective Services after he made reports that were found to be completely unfounded and police reports when he called yet again to cause a scene in our home, trying to breach the safety of the borders it provides. But it all falls through. Because what he doesn't understand is that you can't put out the light that comes through a person that comes from truth. People see our family and they can see what we are together. They know our character, and the kind of lives we have because we live it at all times. They know we have integrity simply by seeing how we handle ourselves. No need to proclaim it, no need to prove and no court ruling can take that away.
So I pray that tomorrow goes well. That the truth will be seen by the commissioner, That the support for what I'm doing will be felt in that courtroom tomorrow at 10:00 am and the hands that so vehemently want to hurt us will be stayed back for awhile.

I feel mucky. Not like an all the time, down-in-the-dumps kind of yuck. Overall I am way happy. But these forgotten nooks and crannies inside of me still need cleaned out. Maybe it was the hint of spring cleaning and wanting to shake out the cobwebs, or the fact that we just had an awesome garage sale and it felt so good to de-junk and now it's time to clear my head, or it could be just the rolling on of the clock, just simply time to be D.O.N.E. It's like my compulsion to vacuum and detail my van before a road trip. I know it's going to get so messy along the way but I just love the feeling of climbing into a clean space to start the next adventure. It's not always a good idea but it makes me feel so much better so I do. So I need to toss out the muck and I have struggled with how to do that on here. I like to tie things up with sparkle, I don't want this to turn into a bash session. Because that isn't where I live my life. I don't think to much about him. I care even less. Yet the annoyance is always there, and it seems to know when I am ignoring him. And then the buzz gets bigger, and you keep swatting and it doesn't go away until all you can think about is smashing that dang mosquito into bits and pieces as hard as you can. So I plan to make this pretty. Don't lose faith and think I have turned into the recently accused "bitter ex-wife." I've got plenty of glitter and sparkle to throw at you all in a minute, like some really good stuff going on here, but first I am going to release the pressure valve and let some things out. Bear with me, I need a minute...and a really large flyswatter.

To whom it may concern:

                I have been asked to share my thoughts and feelings about my former husband and some of the circumstances surrounding our marriage. I feel that K being married again will most likely be a benefit to both me and my children. My main concern in all major decisions that affect my children is their safety and happiness, and I believe that his new partner is kind to them and shares the same morals and values as I do, and I feel that having a stable influence when they are with their dad will be a good thing. I have not heard or witnessed anything that has raised any concerns with me about her behavior with them. I look forward to possibly having another person to help facilitate better communication between K and I, and I think that having someone who has a fresh perspective will help us have a more effective co-parenting, ex-spouse relationship.

                Unfortunately being asked to write this letter in an open and honest matter also means that I am forced to acknowledge the negative circumstances that still surround our divorce. It has been very difficult for K and I to agree too many of the terms we have tried to set. During two sessions of mediation, in which I presented the extensive parenting plan and terms of support and alimony, K would not agree to anything or offer a counter opinion. We finally appeared before a judge who granted us a bifurcated divorce, which means that the state agrees to allow us to be divorced without settling on any terms or conditions. We have a pending court date for August 2013. K was ordered to provide financial documents showing the assets that we had at the time of our separation and his check stubs or proof of income. He has refused to do so and they have had to be subpoenaed by the court. K was supposed to file our income taxes for 2012 and has still not done so. He also admitted that he had made false claims on previous taxes that I was unaware of, and that the IRS is demanding money from that. He refuses to acknowledge the joint savings and checking accounts, and he won’t show the records for an account that he refused to put my name on when we were married into which he was moving money into, from our checking accounts and an individual savings account from me. We also have bills from the hospital and doctors when I delivered our last child, that total about $1,500.00. They are all under my name, because K had his name removed from them when I left our house. He had told me multiple times that he would pay these bills, and that we would use the tax refund to take care of them, but they are now with debt collectors and are having negative effect on my credit. He is now claiming that it is my fault that Medicaid did not pay those bills and that I should have taken care if it before I left Kentucky, though he was the one who had filed all the paperwork with Medicaid and the applications were all in his name. We are both supposed to be responsible for 50% of the medical expenses for our children. I have not paid K for the insurance premiums for the last few months because he has not paid his half for the office co-pays, lab bills and prescription costs that have to be paid out of pocket. We are still both unpaid in those areas, but the last two months K has held back, against legal advice, the cost of the insurance premium from his child support check. He has refused to provide paperwork about the insurance when he changed it in January and I have no proof of the coverage that is actually being provided. For now he has not paid $170.00. K has said multiple times that he will pay for additional activities for the children such as dance and preschool but he has not done so. We have temporary orders in place but have not signed any permanent orders or allocated any marital assets. When I have asked for personal possessions that he unloaded from the moving truck without discussing it with me at his house, he simply says he didn’t bring them from Kentucky, though my children have personally seen many of the items I have asked to have returned at his current residence. K kept the car he had been driving and I kept our mini-van, which I have paid to maintain, register and insure, but he will not put my name on the title.

                I wish that I could say that I felt like K would handle himself differently in this marriage than he did ours, but I honestly cannot feel anything different about him when I see him. I worry about his emotional and psychological state entering into another marriage. K had struggled immensely in maintaining boundaries with other women while married to me. He saw no problem with emotional infidelity and it often was with girls who were still in their teens, sending text messages and following them closely through social media though I had expressed a number of concerns with his behavior. He finds ways to be around them as a volunteer athletic coach but the last team he was with asked him not to return after one season of coaching cross country running. One girl quit the team because she could not deal with K’s behavior and another family who had two girls on the team and who also attended the church ward we were in has said they were very displeased with the way K handled himself and his relationship to their daughters as a coach. K would use emotionally abusive tactics to get what he wanted from the girls, including silent treatment, berating them in front of the team or telling them their performance was inadequate. The parents felt that K struggled with a great deal of immaturity and an inability to handle competition in a healthy way. He spent a great deal of time one on one with female clients at the gym as well, and told me that he sympathized with a man who was having an affair on his wife because she did not provide for his sexual needs. K claims to have suffered sexual abuse as a teenager from a family member but he will not talk to his family about it or seek psychological treatment. I believe K has deep resentment and power issues with females and I do not think he has the ability to love someone in a selfless way. I worry about his treatment towards our children as they are all girls. I have had many talks with my seven year old about maintaining the standards she is comfortable with while under his care. He listens to music that uses vulgarity or sexually suggestive lyrics and he has makes the girls wear immodest bathing suits even though they have personally expressed the desire for something that keeps their stomachs covered. Our children often say they have a difficult time getting their father to listen to them and he does not allow them to make choices for themselves. It is a very selfish relationship and our daughters often resort to crying in order to get attention for their needs. He has had anger management issues and has had a lot of difficulty keeping a job because he refuses to comply with behavioral expectations. He has been fired for grand theft, sexual harassment, and complaints from patients or students about his behavior when working with them. His relationship with me has continued to be very difficult and contentious throughout our separation and divorce. He will often not respond when I ask about scheduling with the girls or questions about them when they are with him. He won’t acknowledge me when we are in physical proximity. I have tried to include him in activities for the girls, I believe it would be beneficial for them to see us interacting peaceably, but he will not come or he tries to illicit an explosive reaction from me when people are around. It is unfortunate because he misses a lot of things he could be involved in if he was able to handle it more maturely, but I refuse to put our children in a place where they are exposed to negative or manipulative behavior.

                The events that led up to my leaving our marriage were a very long process. K has struggled with an addiction to pornography since before we got married. I wasn’t aware of it until we had our first child and we spent some time separated then. After our second child he was still viewing pornography, and I found out about an inappropriate relationship he was having with a fellow female student, and one night I found him on the porch with a 14 year old girl from our ward. He was also moving money from our savings account into a secret account so he could spend it without accounting to me. We spent eight months living apart and we both attended counseling and after extensive work with the bishop and counselor, we got back together. He moved our family to Georgia where he failed out of the school program he was in. He got a job at a waterpark where he would not speak to us or acknowledge us as his family when we went to swim there. After losing that job he lied about interviewing for a job in Utah that did not even exist. He flew to California under the pretense of an interview that did not actually occur. We packed all of our belongings and drove not knowing where we were even going. He found a job in Kentucky working at a gym and proceeded to be involved in the same behaviors, again moving money into an account without my knowledge and buying almost $6,000 in stuff for himself even though we were taking out student loans to pay our rent. While I was pregnant with our third child K and I had almost no interaction in our daily lives. He was uninvolved in any activities due to an overnight work schedule and the fact he spent all his free time with the high school athletes he volunteered to coach. He would be gone for an entire day and I would have no idea where he was, when he was returning. After the birth, K made threats to my physical safety, even inferring that he would kill me, and tried to say it was a joke when I got upset. When my parents came to visit he took money from my mother to pay for our heating bill and then proceeded to have hundreds of dollars of sporting equipment and clothing delivered to our house. He bought a bike without my permission and said he paid $200 for it, he really paid $1,400. He continued to lie about where the stuff and the money was coming from and when I confronted him his only defense was to tell me I would never get a temple divorce over this if I left him.

                He quit his job to move closer to where I was staying with family after we seperated. Both he and his family spent less than ten minutes with our youngest child during the first six months of her life. Only after the mediator and both lawyers told him he had to make an effort to have some sort of relationship with her did he even try to spend any time with her. He has tried to be consistent with his visiting times, he never fails to show up and I don’t think the girls are going to be harmed intentionally while with him but he will not make plans ahead of time, he expects everyone to work around his schedule on very short notice and he continues to make threats about money and legal proceedings when he doesn’t get his way. It is a very selfish relationship and unless someone is telling him how great he is he doesn’t have a very deep interest in their lives beyond what they provide for him. He began attending the singles ward before our divorce was finalized, accepting a calling and speaking assignments because he claimed that when he met Elder Holland, in a parking lot while on a vacation, that he told him it would be okay to do so. Only after my bishop contacted his (under his own discretion, I had nothing to do with this call) did K finally cooperate in getting our divorce done.

                I believe K lives his life in a self-serving way. I believe this marriage is happening because it can provide for some of his needs at this time, but I don’t believe he is capable of having a fulfilling and success relationship until he begins to think of others before himself. He has never acknowledged or apologized for any of his behaviors towards me, I do not think he used this experience to learn or progress; he continuously blames me or other circumstances for our divorce. I hope with all my heart that he is able to make his next marriage work. I think he has found a very nice girl who deserves all the happiness she has always believed she deserves from a husband. Nothing would be more detrimental to my children than having to endure another ugly demise of a relationship in their parent’s lives but it is unfair for K to attempt to start another relationship with another person, who deserves a husband who is fully invested in her and their marriage, while he still has unfinished issues in ours. It is time to be responsible and take care of these things, we all need it to be finished so that we may attempt to move on and make something more of our lives. 

Sincerely,

Me

-I don't want this to be our script anymore. I don't want to think about the past when I see him. I don't want to judge every move he makes through this filter. I want it to be better. I believe it can be and it should be. We are better than this. So as easy as it is to repair a relationship with only one person (not!) I am going to keep trying. Because it is good for me. I don't like hating him. I don't like being angry, or impatient or cynical. I like being me. I feel good in that skin and that is not a bitter anything. After a few days of tubing and jumping off things and playing at Lake Powell last summer, my youngest brother said, "Who is this new Heather??" He didn't remember much of me before I was the wife and mom and not quite myself all the time but my sister piped up and answered, "This was always how Heather has been. Now she's just free to be it." Best feeling ever knowing that you actually get to be yourself in your own life! I can't believe I ever let someone steal that from me. Never again, and now I am going to shake out the dust, tie up the knots, and let this piece of history crumble into my past. It's not going to be pretty but its mine, and I don't have any room for muck anymore!

   Come what may and live it. My life was so completely opposite of what I had thought it would be when I first said those words. It was so extremely opposite of where I thought I would be that I was very secure in just admitting, "Yep... This is where I am at now." It was something I did almost with a laugh, because I'm sure from the outside looking in, it might have seem like it was in shambles. I had a brand new baby, two little girls, had just moved across the country to move back in with my parents and go back to school as my 30th birthday loomed around the corner. But I was secure in who and what I was. I knew it was crazy but I knew God was there, taking care of me and guiding me through the wreckage. Then I started to get my feet under me. I stopped needing help at every turn, I started standing again on my own. My life took its new direction and I started finding the confidence in that independence. I began thinking my own thoughts, finding my own ground and slowly coming to be comfortable in my new identity. And there was a lot of happiness in that. The fear started fading away and strength came in it's place. And I was happy. A kind of happy that I don't think I had ever felt. My life was my own and there was so much good in it. I had been blessed with amazing people around me, I found joy in my kids and our life as a new different kind of family, my faith continued to grow and I realized that it was okay to finally really enjoy my life. And not in a next year will be good kind of way, or a when such and such is different I will feel better kind of thing. It was good right now and I didn't need anything else to feel that way. There was still lots of things that weren't going my way. some days it seemed like everything wasn't going my way. But it wasn't a fleeting joy I had found, it was a happy that was based on things that never fade, I had a found a security in my life of turmoil and I was enjoying that.
   And then something affected me. And I felt that nudge again. I know God is directing my life in the way it should go because I am doing everything I can to allow Him to do that. I have gotten really good at doing things that feel right in my life. I try to do things for the right reasons too, and sometimes that can change, from day to day even, and that's ok. And sometimes I stumbled in being comfortable with that. I had a long conversation with my much wiser, younger sister when I told her that I still felt deep down that I still believed the voice that had told me for so long that I wasn't worth the time. I was lucky to have someone tolerate me in a marriage, that I really was as small as he wanted me to be. I still dismissed my value as a person worthy of something good. And she told me that made her more mad at him than anything else had. She told me if she could scream the opposite into my head she would. Then she hit me with the question that shows how amazing of a woman she is and asked, Have you prayed to not feel this way? I will pray for you to not feel like that. And I sunk. Because she was so right. I hadn't prayed. I had held onto that battered and bruised and beaten part of my heart and guarded it with all the fierceness I had left inside. Not on purpose, not even knowing I was doing it, but I had.
    So I prayed. Again, And then again, and then a few more times. And I finally started to believe it. Because happiness isn't and ending, it was already here. The timeline we like to put on things doesn't really exist. Because our lives don't stop and start with singular events. Things don't really begin on anniversaries or dates on a calendar. Those are just days when the time is right for the stars to align. And God can finally show what he has been getting ready for you while you had no idea. He is aware of us. He takes care of us. He loves us and wants to bless us with things we cannot even imagine might be possible. Happiness is available and I no longer want to stand in the way of mine.

thirteen and counting...

"I decided last year 13 was going to be our lucky number, I knew this year [2012] would be rough and I thought if we could just get through it then we would work on the next one [2013] being great. Last week I lost my car keys, with my gym pass on it and have torn apart the house, including going through the trash in 2 big outside cans with no luck. A few days later I realized I threw away my temple reccomend that I had stuck in an old magazine, so I dumpster dived for the 2nd time this month again with no luck. Then this morning I got my van completely stuck in a snow bank. In front of my exes house. In high-heeled leather boots. Yay, independent woman... But I have a spare key, my bishopric got me a new reccomend, and Kevin smiled the entire time he and a neighbor pushed my car out and on its way. So while I am more than thrilled to slam the door shut on last year and quickly welcome in 2013, because I am pretty sure there is some room for improvement for me, I learned you can't throw away the most important things in life, spending some time wading through the crap makes you realize what you have, and even crow doesn't kill you when you have to eat it once in awhile. Bring on the next, "lucky 13" here we come!"


This was something I wrote the first week of this year. I had no idea what would actually be in store for me but I have to say that "lucky 13" has held true. It has been so much more than I would have ever thought was even possible. More trying, more busy, more crazy. And with all that has been more happiness, more joy, and more impossibles becoming possible than I would have ever imagined possible. Lucky seems like it's almost too shallow of a word to use to describe my life this past little while. Blessed fits better. 2013 was yummy, joyfully, abundantly blessed!

teach your men to be men, so their women don't have to be..

I can open my own door. I carry my own bag. My dad taught me how to change my oil and my mom taught me that I am strong enough to do whatever needs to be done. It's not always a matter of what someone is capable of, but sometimes it should be about how much you can do to ease that for them.
We are still fighting about dollars. Because that is what drives some people. And I am totally dependent on it. And that gives people power. And that makes some people ugly. When you believe something is owed to you, or that you deserve something you have, it makes you blind to it. Where your treasure is there will your heart be also. And so we go back to court. And I explain why my children cannot live on less than the $300 they get each month. And I defend why even though I am capable of making wages, and have not fought his insistence on my imputed income of $1,700, that I simply could not do that while not putting my kids in daycare, and going to school full time. Because 10 years ago I made the choice to drop out of college. I enrolled in a trade tech and worked two jobs while I went because we were investing in the dream together. He was going to be a doctor, so it was okay for me to sacrifice a bit. We were investing in a future. I didn't mind the fake diamond in the ring, I was working towards something bigger. So I worked. I got a job and spent 16 hours some days working. And when a position opened up above me, that I wasn't qualified for, I was given it, because I was good at it, and I worked for it. Then the baby came and I thought my life was going to be different. But six months later, after yet another job loss, store don't like when their employees steal from them, I went back to work. We couldn't pay our bills yet again and the welfare was running thin. My mom took me grocery shopping so I could pack my lunch and loved my baby, and I went to work. Because that is what you do. And I got another call, this time the job loss was because of sexual harassment claims from a fellow employee. And then I got another job, one I again wasn't qualified for, but one that I did well, and that worked better for my family. Because that is what you do. Especially when he doesn't. I cried on tuesdays when I drove into work after I dropped her off when she cried that I was leaving. I came home to dinner cooked by a friend who knew how tired I was. I went grocery shopping, and cleaned the house and crammed in a week's worth of mommy time into my day off because that is what you do.
And he got fired from a minimum wage job, and dropped classes and our future seemed to become more uncertain all the time. There was always a next thing and always a reason. If he had spent half as much time just doing something as he did justifying why he was constantly the victim he would have been set. And I got good at telling the story of why I wasn't being taken care of. Hard times happen, I would never expect to be exempt from that but constantly allowing yourself to succumb to selfish urges or think only about how something affects you is not how a man should live his life. Work is hard, that is why it is called that. But we were commanded to go to work. Just as Adam was told he would prosper only by the amount of work he put into his life, we are expected to do that.
But sometimes men quit their jobs. And sometimes they live in their parent's basements for years because they would rather drive a car that is worth more than their annual salary and leased in their parent's names because no one with any logic would given them a car loan like that. And they get a Best Buy credit card and put a flat screen tv and speakers in their "lair", and they buy "their kids" an ipad for Christmas that has to stay at their house, and they pay $50 for haircuts and $80 for car washes and they spend $1,000 in Disneyland, not for tickets or hotels, but just on stuff because they are "making memories". And they don't pay for preschool, and they don't pay for backpacks or dance lessons or book orders because that kind of stuff isn't what is important. And then they find out they probably won't have a job in a few months so they go to a conference in Vegas, and buy the group dinner, and take the girlfriend to California and buy some new clothes from Banana Republic and put a lift kit on the beloved Jeep. And when the job isn't there you simply look around at those who depend on you and say, deal with it.
Because he knows I will. I will do what needs to be done because that is who I am. My parents will yet again pay for bills and buy Christmas gifts and take me grocery shopping because that is who they are. My dad has never considered anything that he works endlessly for to be his own. He considers it a righteous stewardship and he has blessed my life endlessly because of that. My mom buys boxes of diapers. And church shoes that worn too thin. And she quietly sneaks my van down to the gas station before anyone wakes up because that is who she is. They are motivated only by helping to ease my burden.
I recently met a man who I quickly came to adore. He saw a moment of simple need. I had something in my shoe and I was trying to balance on one foot while I couldn't get my shoelaces untied because my fingers were too cold. He grabbed my arm and helped me with the shoe and kindly said, "You just need someone to take care of you once in awhile." And I bit back tears. Not because I needed someone to do it but because he simply had. He is a man who has been taught what that means.
Teach your men that they should constantly be striving to do more for those around them. Make sure they understand the value of another person. Tell them that the quiet moments they spend creating homes of peace and enjoyment are the things that will shape future generations. Teach them that a lie should sting when it comes out of their mouth, instead of rolling out with ease. Make sure they know how to work, it is a requirement not a luxury we choose when we want to. Make sure they know how to enjoy when things are easy, but more importantly they persevere when things are hard. Don't let them yell at waiters, or old women, or their wives whether it be when others can hear or not. Teach them that fear is not the kind of power they should want to create but that respect is something you can't force. Teach them the value of what they achieve. Don't take that away by lessening the consequences of bad choices. Teach them to handle those defeats with grace. Push them a little harder than they want you too, greatness is never achieved without a little discomfort. Teach them that others feelings should always come before their own. Success that is found at an other's expense is not really success. Do not show them how to get out of responsibilities, teach them how to handle them and treat them as top priorities. Make sure they know that just because you can get away with something it doesn't make it okay to do so. Please show them what it means to righteously preside over a home. A wife should not be something that is tolerated or mistreated but should be loved and adored and respected as the celestial being she may one day be. Teach them that children are a gift and that misuse of that sacred duty to raise them will not be tolerated with any degree of allowance. Teach them what being a man of God means, that it is in the quiet, private moments where that truly manifests itself.
I know so many real men. I have been flooded in my life with good ones and I am grateful for that. They show my girls what should be expected of a man in this life and they are aware of the differences. This lessens the impact of those who haven't quite been able to reach that yet. So we go back to court. Because he doesn't want to pay as much, he shouldn't have to sacrifice his own needs to provide that. But we will be okay. Because I have been taught the ultimate example of what a man should be. And for awhile I will be both in my life, but I know He is aware of that and that compensations will be made. Because He is what man should be and that will never be lacking.

I read something that said, "If you run, you are a runner." I don't agree, I am definitely not a runner. But I run, and sometimes it feels like I run a lot. Today is National Running Day so I ran 7 miles and I thought about why I run. It's something that a lot of people do, but it is not something I ever did. I hated it. I thought the one mile fun run in junior high was actually going to kill me one day. Then last summer I just stepped out the door and started running. It came from a place of pain actually. I wanted my body to hurt as much as my soul did. I needed something to burn more and drown out what was going on inside of me. So I would run until that happened. It wasn't very far at first but it helped. I knew I was doing something that I couldn't have done the year before. It was hard and that was what I liked about it. I craved the feeling of overcoming something I thought I couldn't do. Some days I ran to get away from the house, from the legal paperwork and constant care of a new baby, and the monotony that can sometimes get to a young mom. It was the only thing that had a start and a finish, one thing I could actually check off that I had done that day. Some days I turned the music as loud as I could stand and just enjoyed the songs and the time I had to myself. And some days the steady thump of my sneakers on the asphalt was the absolute only thing in my life that seemed to be in control. And then my heart would be beat with the same constant rhythm and pretty soon my thoughts would slow from a frenzy of panicked fears and fuzzy, disorganized fragments into something that I could actually handle. Things made more sense after a run. Life wasn't so scary, if I could handle 5 miles I could handle other things. I was capable of doing hard things and that power was what running had given me. So I keep running. Some days it feels good, other days it sucks. Ha, which is just like life. So I may have started to run to outrun and escape my life, but now I run because it has helped give me back my life. Just like that one mile never killed me in seventh grade, the things that I would have thought I was never capable of handling have only made me stronger. It feels so great to push myself and the satisfaction of achieving something hard is the best feeling you can have. No I am not a runner. I am just a girl with a pair of running shoes and a "you can"t tell me what" kind of attitude. But most days that gets me a lot further than I would have ever thought possible. So I don't run for anyone else, I don't run for the races, I don't run for the times, I run because I can and most days that is pretty amazing!